Yesterdays

Sometimes I get swept away. My feelings take over, and I am lost. It is like an addiction, really. All it takes is a mention of a name, a date, or a place, and suddenly I am on a quest for my next high. All I want is to be there again. That person, that day, that place. That's all I want, and I will keep looking until I get that feeling again. Things are different now, though. I have made a huge commitment to someone that I love, and I can't go chasing after the dream that once was. It is time to close the door completely. It is time to seal it shut, and ask God to remove the knob.

Beautiful Moment: As I read through my old journals and blogs, yearning for a time that has long passed, I looked down at my ring and remembered that there is so much more to come. So much more.

I am New.

23 years old, severely lacking in ambition. Each step I take is in a different direction with no destination in sight. Is it crucial to know if I am with You? My future was hopeless before Your promise gave me hope. My past was simply sordid before You gave it meaning. I want to go away from here, where mediocrity and average days swallow me whole. Take me. Send me. I want to go with you.

Beautiful moment: As I put my pen to paper, I felt the urge to write. It was overwhelming. Out came a letter to people just like me, who struggle with feeling average within the Kingdom of God. I knew it was Him telling me that there is no such thing. That is the God I serve.

Lost But Found

I wonder what it is like to know where you are going. To know that you are on a path towards the one thing that you were made to do. Living completely unashamed and unaware of the opposition all around you, and not to hear the voices of those who see you as someone different than who you are. This is the life that I want. I want to live only hearing His voice, crystal clear. Oh, what it must be like to wake up each morning and be certain of not only yourself, but the God who made you. I know that these things are attainable, yet I find it difficult to fight the comfort of uncertainty. I need prayer. Lots of it.

Beautiful moment: Waking up this morning, knowing that I get to live another day on this earth. <3

A life entirely not my own

This is living. This is what it means to open and close your eyes, to inspire and expire, to rise and to fall. The constant tug-of-war between love and loathing, honesty and dishonesty, happiness and sadness, yet still remember joy at day's end. Through every moment, finding peace in knowing there are things I don't see, but are still there. Knowing that somehow I am not the only one in the bigger picture and that I am still loved completely and totally. These are the things that help me to remember that my life, though it is not my own, is lived with more love and joy than could ever be expected.

Beautiful moment: a young girl (must have been 3) walking down the streets of NY in front of her mother, completely confident of where she was going and who she was, with her Afro bouncing with each step. Just gorgeous.

When my life begins to spin out of control, I remember that You will never leave me. Even when my family and my friends have gone, You remain close to me, telling me that everything is going to be good. Good. Perfect. Wonderful. Abundant. My heart fills with gladness when I think of all the ways that You have bettered my life. :)

Beautiful moment: Sphragizo... "set me as a seal upon your heart"
It is better to figure this one out on your own :)


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Faithful with little...

I don't have much to write today, as I am not in a very clever mood. I'm not very emotional or witty; I'm just here today. I hope that tomorrow I will feel more and see more so that I can make some dramatic statment about how grand God is. But for now, I do have to say that it is pretty amazing that I am living and breathing, and that blood is pumping through my veins. How could that happen but by God's hands? Love.

Beautiful moment: as I looked at the pale color of his fingers entangled with the golden brown of mine, I was content knowing the only difference between us was that he loves me and I love him. <3


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What can I offer you?

The pain and shame endured as You carried the entire world's sin on Your back floors me. With my head too weak and my heart too embarrassed to lift my eyes towards You, I cry. There is nothing I could give You that could ever be enough to repay You for the blood that you shed and the ridicule You ignored. I know that the world doesn't thank You enough and that we often forget what You did, but I hope that You know that it wasn't in vain. Thanks.

Today's Beautiful moment: A toddler boy jumping in the tiniest puddle. The joy painted on his face was enough to make a whole world happy. *sigh*


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